I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
