mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
