I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
