Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
