We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
