Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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