Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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