Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
