Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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