I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
