Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
