Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
