Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
