My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Randomize
