You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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