why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
