The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I didn't notice because vodka
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
