she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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