I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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