i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
