i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
