I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
