I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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