it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i came on her dog
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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