I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
