just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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