just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
