Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
