I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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