Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
