I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
