just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
