Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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