you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
