But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
