that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
