walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
