Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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