every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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