South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
