He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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