Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
