she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I think im going to throw up on grandma
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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