do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
