I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
