I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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