I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
