So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize