im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
