ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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