It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
