Who did Billy Mays play for?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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